Bean-Tuna Mash

mashing beans

Place the baked beans and tuna together
in the same saucepan
and mash
into a bean-tuna paste
with your old wooden spoon, honey.

Mash it.

I’d lick the rust from your saucepan if I could!

Mash it.

Flame-cook the bean-tuna paste for 12 minutes.
Irradiate a jacket potato
[we used to call jacket potatoes ‘JPs’]
until soft and wet.
Mash it
into a bean-tuna-potato paste.

Mash it.
Continue to mash.
Mash it with your old wooden spoon, honey
and serve to your loved one.

Recipe: Herring and Felt Chili

Autumn sceneWelcome, friends, to a recipe as joyous as the dawn chorus. This one is outrageously easy to make, and perfect for a sombre Autumn afternoon.

Ingredients: One kilo of herring roe, a felt pocket, feta, rocket, salt, saffron.

The Method:

1) Gently salt your herring roe.

2) Place the herring roe in a large felt pocket.

3) Cradle the felt pocket for three to four hours.

4) Transfer the herring from the felt pocket onto a plate. Add rocket, feta and saffron.

5) Tuck into the Herring and Felt Chili.

6) Embrace the feeling of Herring and Felt Chili inside your belly. A feeling of longing, of sickness, or remorse, of regret. A Herring and Felt Chili for what could have been and a Herring and Felt Chili for what still may transpire. A Herring and Felt Chili for him. For her. For them. For all.

7) Make another dish of Herring and Felt Chili but this time leave it on a neighbour’s wall.

8) Recite a poem about Herring and Felt Chili which you have invented on the spot.

9) Cry yourself to sleep.

Serves: 1 to 2 people

Similar recipes: Herring and Satin Chili; Salmon and Felt Chili; Salmon and Satin Chili.

Peachcod Delight

codIt’s been an absolute age since I last posted a recipe here, and I know my army of faithful gourmands have grown restless.

And so today I share with you one of my most popular dishes – one I have literally made 80,000 times. As you all know, I’ve been one of the key architects of the Slow Food movement, so it is vital that you consume the following dish over the period of eight or nine hours.

Ingredients: Three fresh peaches, eight fresh cod, salt, sugar, vinegar, pita bread, red wine.

The method:

1) Blend the fresh peaches and the fresh cod in a food processor.

2) Pour the liquid into a delicate Wedgwood dish and add a dash of sugar, a dash of salt, a dash of vinegar.

3) Pour the mixture onto fresh pita bread. The aroma reminds one of glorious childhood holidays spent in the Italian countryside.

4) Place in a fan-assisted oven for 12 to 13 minutes, 220 centigrade.

5) Take out of oven and place in a large Wedgwood dish of red wine (preferably Campo de Viejo).

6) Throw in bin.

Serves 0

Similar recipes: Trouapple Delight, Pearcod Delight, Sardinbanana Delight.

Recipe: Wispa La Bru

irn bruThe following recipe never fails to generate excitement, whether it’s served in a restaurant environment or whether it’s offered as breakfast in bed on Valentine’s Day. Simple, sexy and exquisite – as all food should be.

Ingredients: Wispa, Irn Bru, quarter litre gravy, lime, haddock.

The method:

1) Submerge a Wispa in Irn Bru for 40 mins.

2) Dip the Wispa slowly into gravy. Ideally you should use vegetarian gravy, but chicken or oyster gravy will suffice.

3) Chop into one-centimetre cubes.

4) Add a squeeze of lime.

5) Serve with haddock.

6) Tuck in.

Serves 4

Similar Recipes: Wispa La Fanta, Wispa La Orangina, Wispa La Tropicana, Wispa La Cherry Coke, Wispa La Lilt.