A LATE LUNCHEON AT THE HOUSE OF THE ADMIRAL

Great Gatsby

I’m the first to arrive for a late luncheon at the house of the Admiral. After a nine-minute wait in the frosted gloom, the Admiral answers the door. The Admiral is dressed in his trademark crimson jim-jams, hiking boots and cardboard hat. The cardboard hat is constructed from the box of an Admiral’s Pie.
“So glad you could make it, my old much-of-a-muchness,” says the Admiral.

The Admiral guides me to his sofa. The Admiral and I share a pack of Tesco Value sausage rolls. The Admiral and I share a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

An hour later my flatmate Kingsley arrives. Kingsley’s wittering on about Molly Ringwald as usual.
“So glad you could make it, my old much-of-a-muchness,” says the Admiral.
“Molly Ringwald,” says Kingsley. Kingsley eats fifteen Tesco Value sausage rolls.

Soon we’re joined by James Skipp and Charlton Bloom, both dressed as characters from Toy Story for reasons which never become obvious.
“Molly Ringwald,” says Kingsley.

Eventually conversation runs out as it must do at each and every party. The Admiral is unphased. He prolongs celebrations by dragging out his three pet Labradors from the airing cupboard. We take turns making tin-foil hats for the Labradors to wear, an activity that pleases neither dog nor human.

At midnight The Admiral puts on a CD by Transvision Vamp and we do a little dance (except Kingsley who can’t dance). Then the party’s over. Then we head home.

Back at the flat Kingsley and I stay up to eat Doritos and watch The Breakfast Club. I fall asleep halfway through and awake shivering with bits of Dorito stuck to my stubble.

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Fine Cuisines of Maidstone live

My short film Fine Cuisines of Maidstone, a meal-themed horror movie about the tender highs and terrifying lows of the fine dining scene in Maidstone, Kent, is now live on YouTube.

You can also visit Monstructo Producto’s website here:

https://monstructoproducto.wordpress.com

Fine Cuisines of Maidstone features possibly my greatest poem to date: Theme Song From Fine Cuisines:

Cheeseburger, potato.
Fine Cuisines of Maidstone.
Cheeseburger, potato.
Fine Cuisines of Maidstone.
Cheeseburger, potato.
Fine Cuisines of Maidstone.
Cheeseburger, potato.
Fine Cuisines…
of Maidstone.

Wild Strawberries

Unknown

We work packing strawberries day after day.
We work packing strawberries day after day.
We work packing strawberries day after day.
There is no variation. There is no change.

We work packing strawberries day after day.
Conveyor belt moves. Every second’s the same.
We work packing strawberries day after day.
Our faces are blank. Our brain patterns vague.

We work packing strawberries day after day.
We work packing strawberries day after day.
We work packing strawberries day after day.
We work packing strawberries day after day.
We work packing strawberries day after day.
We work packing strawberries day after day.
We work packing strawberries day after day.
We work packing strawberries day after day.

I glance around the factory.
All eyes are downcast.
No one notices as I slip a strawberry into my mouth.

WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH

An alarm. Four security men.
I’m taken outside and beaten.

When I regain consciousness I resume my place.
We work packing strawberries day after day.

Recipe: Herring and Felt Chili

Autumn sceneWelcome, friends, to a recipe as joyous as the dawn chorus. This one is outrageously easy to make, and perfect for a sombre Autumn afternoon.

Ingredients: One kilo of herring roe, a felt pocket, feta, rocket, salt, saffron.

The Method:

1) Gently salt your herring roe.

2) Place the herring roe in a large felt pocket.

3) Cradle the felt pocket for three to four hours.

4) Transfer the herring from the felt pocket onto a plate. Add rocket, feta and saffron.

5) Tuck into the Herring and Felt Chili.

6) Embrace the feeling of Herring and Felt Chili inside your belly. A feeling of longing, of sickness, or remorse, of regret. A Herring and Felt Chili for what could have been and a Herring and Felt Chili for what still may transpire. A Herring and Felt Chili for him. For her. For them. For all.

7) Make another dish of Herring and Felt Chili but this time leave it on a neighbour’s wall.

8) Recite a poem about Herring and Felt Chili which you have invented on the spot.

9) Cry yourself to sleep.

Serves: 1 to 2 people

Similar recipes: Herring and Satin Chili; Salmon and Felt Chili; Salmon and Satin Chili.

Peachcod Delight

codIt’s been an absolute age since I last posted a recipe here, and I know my army of faithful gourmands have grown restless.

And so today I share with you one of my most popular dishes – one I have literally made 80,000 times. As you all know, I’ve been one of the key architects of the Slow Food movement, so it is vital that you consume the following dish over the period of eight or nine hours.

Ingredients: Three fresh peaches, eight fresh cod, salt, sugar, vinegar, pita bread, red wine.

The method:

1) Blend the fresh peaches and the fresh cod in a food processor.

2) Pour the liquid into a delicate Wedgwood dish and add a dash of sugar, a dash of salt, a dash of vinegar.

3) Pour the mixture onto fresh pita bread. The aroma reminds one of glorious childhood holidays spent in the Italian countryside.

4) Place in a fan-assisted oven for 12 to 13 minutes, 220 centigrade.

5) Take out of oven and place in a large Wedgwood dish of red wine (preferably Campo de Viejo).

6) Throw in bin.

Serves 0

Similar recipes: Trouapple Delight, Pearcod Delight, Sardinbanana Delight.

Ghosts of Meals Past

the hauntingThe meals they haunt the walls and floors,
It gives me angina and shivers.
The meals they lurk in stalls and doors,
They stalk the moors and rivers.

I hear the cod and hear the crisps,
And fear their cruel and dreadful deeds.
I sense the steak and sense the chips,
And know how they must ache to feed.

They pierce the belly of the dark.
The ghosts of meals past.