A LATE LUNCHEON AT THE HOUSE OF THE ADMIRAL

Great Gatsby

I’m the first to arrive for a late luncheon at the house of the Admiral. After a nine-minute wait in the frosted gloom, the Admiral answers the door. The Admiral is dressed in his trademark crimson jim-jams, hiking boots and cardboard hat. The cardboard hat is constructed from the box of an Admiral’s Pie.
“So glad you could make it, my old much-of-a-muchness,” says the Admiral.

The Admiral guides me to his sofa. The Admiral and I share a pack of Tesco Value sausage rolls. The Admiral and I share a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

An hour later my flatmate Kingsley arrives. Kingsley’s wittering on about Molly Ringwald as usual.
“So glad you could make it, my old much-of-a-muchness,” says the Admiral.
“Molly Ringwald,” says Kingsley. Kingsley eats fifteen Tesco Value sausage rolls.

Soon we’re joined by James Skipp and Charlton Bloom, both dressed as characters from Toy Story for reasons which never become obvious.
“Molly Ringwald,” says Kingsley.

Eventually conversation runs out as it must do at each and every party. The Admiral is unphased. He prolongs celebrations by dragging out his three pet Labradors from the airing cupboard. We take turns making tin-foil hats for the Labradors to wear, an activity that pleases neither dog nor human.

At midnight The Admiral puts on a CD by Transvision Vamp and we do a little dance (except Kingsley who can’t dance). Then the party’s over. Then we head home.

Back at the flat Kingsley and I stay up to eat Doritos and watch The Breakfast Club. I fall asleep halfway through and awake shivering with bits of Dorito stuck to my stubble.

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Fine Cuisines of Maidstone live

My short film Fine Cuisines of Maidstone, a meal-themed horror movie about the tender highs and terrifying lows of the fine dining scene in Maidstone, Kent, is now live on YouTube.

You can also visit Monstructo Producto’s website here:

https://monstructoproducto.wordpress.com

Fine Cuisines of Maidstone features possibly my greatest poem to date: Theme Song From Fine Cuisines:

Cheeseburger, potato.
Fine Cuisines of Maidstone.
Cheeseburger, potato.
Fine Cuisines of Maidstone.
Cheeseburger, potato.
Fine Cuisines of Maidstone.
Cheeseburger, potato.
Fine Cuisines…
of Maidstone.

Joggers

jogginh

Wheezing and panting and spluttering I jog.
The sun gives me hog sweats.
Splinters in my toes.
Stabbing in my shins.
Howling in my lungs.
Jogging is supposed to be good for my health
but it doesn’t feel good for my health.

Carbon-rubber soles bounce off pavement
bounce off road
bounce off chewing gum
bounce off discarded packs of Frazzles
bounce off discarded condoms
bounce off discarded nappies.
Jogging is supposed to be good for my health
but it doesn’t feel good for my health.

I jog from Pelham Road to Palmerston Road.
I jog from Kingston Road to Balfour Road.
I jog from Griffiths Road to Ridley Road.
Slower now
but still I jog.

A seagull with a broken wing.
Still I jog.
A crashed car.
Still I jog.
A man with blood on his face and no top on
and a knife in his hand.
Still I jog.
The man with the knife jogs alongside me.
“Didn’t happen to see a seagull with a broken wing did ya mate?” says the man with the knife.
I shake my head.
My mouth is so dry I can no longer speak.
The man with the knife jogs in a different direction.

Wheezing and panting and spluttering I jog.
Jogging is supposed to be good for my health
but it doesn’t feel good for my health.

Baron Monstructo

baron pic

Monstructo Producto, the outrageously delicate production company I founded with my good friend Charles Schmidt, has just published the lavish short horror film Baron Monstructo on YouTube. The exquisite cast includes Rhys Musker, Judy Harris, TS Wall and myself.

You can view the film here:

You can also visit Monstructo Producto’s website here: https://monstructoproducto.wordpress.com

Baron Monstructo features one of my greatest songs, Oblivion’s Lament. Lyrics below:

OBLIVION’S LAMENT

Oh sweet lips of darkness
I said uh-huh baby.
Oh sweet chops of nothing
I said uh-huh baby.
Oh sweet valley of the void
I said uh-huh baby.
Oh sweet Oblivion’s toy
Well, alright now!

Wild Strawberries

Unknown

We work packing strawberries day after day.
We work packing strawberries day after day.
We work packing strawberries day after day.
There is no variation. There is no change.

We work packing strawberries day after day.
Conveyor belt moves. Every second’s the same.
We work packing strawberries day after day.
Our faces are blank. Our brain patterns vague.

We work packing strawberries day after day.
We work packing strawberries day after day.
We work packing strawberries day after day.
We work packing strawberries day after day.
We work packing strawberries day after day.
We work packing strawberries day after day.
We work packing strawberries day after day.
We work packing strawberries day after day.

I glance around the factory.
All eyes are downcast.
No one notices as I slip a strawberry into my mouth.

WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH

An alarm. Four security men.
I’m taken outside and beaten.

When I regain consciousness I resume my place.
We work packing strawberries day after day.